City Folk

Kim and I have been out on the land full time since last week Wednesday and have been going through some cultural shock.  We've had culture shock before during the different times that we studied abroad and also when we lived in Japan.  It was always a process of acclimating our American ways with whatever host country we were living in.  The transition to a new place was always somewhat painful, but it always passed and we always got something valuable from our time in that place.

This time we are acclimating our city dwelling ways with our new life as country folk living completely off the grid.  It has not been easy.  The first couple of mornings I woke with one massive question pounding on my head, "What the hell are we doing here?"  While we were staying at Karen's in Hilo for the last few weeks, I was really gung ho about the idea of roughing it on the land.  I had a romantic vision of being without electricity and running water.  But the truth about roughing it is that it's rough.  Simple tasks like washing the dishes involve me taking the dishes out to the lawn, where the hose we have set to the water tank is, and doing them out there.  Sometimes it rains on me, sometimes I miss the rain.  What would usually take me 10 minutes at a sink takes me about 20 out on the lawn.  By the way, Kim thinks it's hilarious and very citified of me to refer to the massive two acres of cut forest grass, which surrounds the cabin, as "the lawn".

We've been dealing with flying insects at night.  Last night the gnats were especially fierce in their swarming.  Kim came downstairs after putting Bodhi to bed and found me on our open deck in front of the laptop with a towel over my head to keep the mosquitos and gnats from my ears.  She had a great idea of setting up one of our mosquito nets around us.  And so there we were huddled around the computer checking facebook, surrounded by the white gauzy net, the mosquitos trying to figure out a way in.  It was romantic in an "Out of Africa" kind of way.

The mosquitos have gotten to Bodhi.  The little sweetheart has about 14 red mosquito bites on his face.  When we first moved here, I promised myself that I wouldn't let him look like some backwoods kid with dirt all over his face and tattered rags on his body.  I knew I would take him for a proper hair cut so he didn't look like he had a chopped up do, for example.  I'm not doing such a good job.  His beautiful face has seen better days.  He has the bites on it, there is a big scab on his forehead from a sandbox accident at school, and because he's had a runny nose, he seems to always have a snotty crust under his nose and around his mouth.  Kim reminds me when I get down on myself about it that he would get mosquito bites in Nu‘uanu, kids are bound to have accidents, and they get snotty.  She is so wise.  But it doesn't help the pounding question lighten it's thump on my head.

I've been really impressed with our sawdust toilets, which for now is simply five gallon buckets with a special lid shaped like a toilet seat.  After we do our business, we sprinkle a few handfuls of sawdust into the bucket and close the lid.  I've used many different toilets, from very modern to very primitive.  When we lived in Japan, I went over to a student's house for a tutoring session and asked to use the toilet.  I went to the bathroom and saw this toilet with all of these electronic buttons on it.  It was very impressive.  When I came back to my student, I asked her what all the buttons on the toilet were for.  Her English wasn't very good and she tried to explain to me that it was a washing machine.  I thought, "Wow, these Japanese really have it going on with space efficiency."  I asked her, if you put the clothes in the bowl and close the lid to operate the machine.  She looked at me confused and laughed.  "No, no" she stood up and began pointing to her butt and saying,"wash, wash."  It was a bidet.

For now the sawdust toilets are out in the open and not in an enclosed bathroom.  Lucky for us, we are not shy about doing our business in front of each other.  Our marriage actually started that way on our honeymoon in Bali.  As it happens when traveling to places like Indonesia, we got food poisoning and both of us had tremendous cases of diarrhea.  The place we were staying in had very thin walls separating the bathroom from the bedroom.  So every blowout explosion and fart we let go could be heard by the other.  We took turns between moaning on the toilet and  sprawling out on the bed for the first few days of our romantic getaway.

Lucky for us too that the sawdust toilet hasn't been smelling.  It's truly amazing with the amount of stuff that is in the bucket, there is no smell.  The sawdust really works at keeping down the odor.  But there has been a smell that has been following me the last few days.  I couldn't quite figure it out and it was making me self conscious.  At first it was in the car.  I was driving to town and there was a slight smell of crap in the car.  I thought maybe we left some food in there or something.  I checked around and found nothing.  A few days later, I'm in the hardware store, squatting to see one of the lower shelves and the smell wafts up again. I thought, "Oh gosh, did I not wipe myself up properly this morning."  I thought, no, I'm pretty thorough about those things.  I looked at the bottom of my sandal to see if I stepped on some doggie doo.  No, nothing there.  But then it occured to me it was coming from my footwear.  I took off my leather sandals and smelled it and a terrible grimace came over my face.  My city folk ways did not realize that leather sandals in one of the wettest places in the US is not a good idea.  From doing dishes in the lawn to stepping in mud puddles to getting caught in the rain, my sandals never dried properly and were beginning to smell like a big pile of you know what.  In an effort to acclimate to my new environment I am now sporting a nice pair of rubber Crocs.

This has been the process of learning for Kim and I.  We love our Volvo XC90, but we stick out a little in a place where most people have Ford or Chevy work trucks.  Yesterday when we went to the open market, we took out our Maclaren stroller for Bodhi to ride in while we shopped.  As soon as I got to the shopping area, the Maclaren got stuck in the rocky pathways of the market, not something that would happen on the paved streets of Honolulu.  The learning curve is steep for Kim and I, but we are certainly getting an education.

Moving to a new place, despite if it is on grid or not is very challenging.  Daily routines are upset by not being able to locate certain items because they are in a box somewhere.  You know you've seen the item, but cannot quite recall where. So an extra few minutes are spent looking as the sun goes down, and it's getting darker and darker as you look for a lantern to light the way.  Add to this a screaming three year old who really, really, really wants his remote control train that is somewhere in the pile of other things that need to get unpacked and you have a very, very, very stressful situation.  Needless to say we have been a little frazzled in this transition to our new life.  The other morning Kim was particularly frustrated with how unsettled we were.  I looked at her and calmly said, "You know, life isn't as serious as our minds make it out to be."  She shot me a fire breathing glance and said, "Can we not do bumper stickers right now?"  Sometimes I'm just full of platitudes from whatever I've been reading.  Sometimes it's just better to listen.

The pounding question of, what the hell are we doing is only a mere tap on my forehead right now.  And to answer the question, we are here to experience more freedom in our lives.  Not the kind of freedom you hear about in the news that justifies why we go to war.  No, that kind of freedom only provides a false sense of security based on intimidation.  No, we are wanting the kind of opening of your arms and surrendering freedom.  The kind of freedom that comes from trusting that you are being divinely guided as long as you take the time to to be silent and listen to your inner guidance.  We are open to the kind of freedom that comes from knowing who you are when you are not running for cover.  We are willing to experience the kind of freedom that comes from taking the big leap and knowing the net will appear.  This answer gelled for me this morning as I started the car to drive to Hilo.  Now, some of you are going to think I made this up.  Well, I am not making this up.  As I turned the ignition on the car, the pounding question was loud and clear, but over the radio came Tom Petty's voice singing, "I'm free------free fallin'!"  I know, I know, Jerry Macguire did it before me, but honest that's what was playing on the radio.  After that the DJ played Queen's "I Want to Break Free."  Really, he did.

The Universe speaks to us in many different ways.  Let's listen.

Awareness

I'm not much of an activist.

As a university student, I did my fair share of protesting. I remember feeling so free, marching in Washington DC, for the homeless or to get the US out of El Salvador. When I was an exchange student in London we were told, explicitly, by the program organizers, not to get involved in any kind of political rallies. So what did I do? While walking around the streets of London one day, I see a huge mob of people marching in protest of the first Gulf War. I thought about what the program organizers said for about five seconds and then I stepped off the sidewalk and joined the crowd with fists raised. I couldn't resist. At that age anything the "man" was for, I was against.

Now my protests are far less public. They are mostly me occasionally yelling at the radio in my car over some story I heard on NPR. I guess I just don't want to get so angry about things any more.

In the classroom I've always encouraged my students to be aware of the issues surrounding them. I told them that we are living at such an amazing time. We are faced with issues like global warming, peak oil production, and a global financial crisis. Things are converging in such a way that we are being forced to think more creatively about solutions. Our education system in the US is still based on the old Industrial Revolution model of producing cogs for the wheel, basically workers. British Educator, Sir Ken Robinson, said that creativity needs to be the new literacy for the 21st Century. He said the world is moving so fast that we don't really know what the world is going to look like five years from now. And yet, our schools are attempting to prepare young people for this world. He suggests that creativity will help these students to navigate the challenges ahead more effectively.

I must confess that although I wholeheartedly believe in thinking creatively to face the environmental issues surrounding us, I am hardly a model of conservation. Kim and I drive a Volvo XC90 SUV that gets about 17 mpg, my Volvo wagon gets a little better mileage. When we lived in Honolulu we never recycled. We'd leave lights on all over the house and the computer would be on all day. If there was a dripping faucet, I would let it go on for weeks before fixing it. I would open the refrigerator door and stare and stare and stare trying to decide what I wanted for a snack. Now we could argue about the car thing and say that we need something with all wheel drive to get on our land, but really we just like it. It has a certain cool factor for us. We are, however, gaining awareness.

We recently bought a Dyson Hand Vac. We really liked it. It had a very nice sleek design and was said to have the best sucking power of all the other hand vacs on the market. When we opened the box and looked at the directions it told us that we could get six minutes of use from three hours of charge. That's not a great use to charge ratio for us. I think for most people that can leave it plugged in all day and use it whenever they need a quick clean up, it's highly convenient. But for us to have to charge it off of our solar panels or in our car when we are driving, it is not convenient at all. We decided to return it to Macy's.

That incident got us really thinking about our consumption. Kim pointed out to me that here at Karen's we have our Sonic Care toothbrushes plugged in 24 hours a day for only four minutes of use a day. We have a power strip set up with all of of phone chargers and laptop charger that for most of the day are not in use. I walk out of the kitchen and forget to turn off the light.

We are excited about this awareness and how we will live when we move out to the land full time next week. We just won't be able to consume as much. We'll have our 100 gallon water tank, a small set of solar panels, and a 30 pound propane tank to use for cooking. It's fun to think about how creative we'll have to be to make it all work. But perhaps, that is giving too much credit to Kim and I. It will be more about simply changing habits.

Yesterday, we were up on the land getting things ready at the cabin. I went up to the roof and hooked up a black hose to our water tank and put up some shelves and blinds around the place. Kim worked on getting the mold off of our teak table and chairs. After Kim had finished cleaning the mold on the table she felt she needed to wash up. She got out our wash tub and went to the hose I set up and filled the tub with rain water we collected. Because the hose is black and was out in the sun the water got warmed up to a perfect bathing temperature. In the middle of the field that surrounds the cabin, Kim got undressed and washed herself clean as our hand cranked/solar powered radio played classical music from our local NPR station.

We're beginning to tip toe around this planet and it feels nice.

Simplify, Simplify, Simplify

We have mold.

Our teak dining room table that we got from our dear, dear friend Lois, when she Transitioned, has mold growing on it. This is not the first time the fuzzy stuff has visited the table, but it is the most pronounced growth it has ever had. When we lived in Nu‘uanu, next to a stream, mold would sprout up on the table whenever we would travel and not use the table daily. We would simply wipe the mold off and it would be fine until the next time we traveled away from the house. Right now the table is on the land in Kurtistown and we are staying in Hilo and not using it everyday so the mold spores are having a field day.

It's interesting how Kim and I find ourselves living in these very damp environments. A little over ten years ago, our Honolulu Chiropractor suggested that we live in a dry place. He thought it would be better for our over all health. What do Kim and I do? We move to Puna, one of the wettest areas in the United States. We move back to Honolulu after a couple of years on the Big Island and move to of all places Nu‘uanu, one of the dampest places on O‘ahu. And now we are back on the Windward side of Hawai‘i Island. There is something about lush greenery that is attractive to Kim and I. We have a high regard for our chiropractor's opinion, but on this one he may have been wrong, our health has been really great.

Kim and I have been doing a lot of shopping the last few days. We've been getting stuff we need to start living out on the land full time. We've been getting a real good sense of what's available at the different hardware stores and camping supply stores in Hilo. We spent almost a good hour in the flash light and lantern aisle of one store trying to figure out what lighting options would be best for us. Should we go with propane lanterns or rechargeable LED lanterns? How many flashlights do we need? Should we buy the crank flashlight with the radio feature or stick with the well known Mag flashlights? How much power do you think we'll get from our small solar panel set up?

There were so many questions we asked about the logistics of lighting our living space that we never asked when we could simply plug a lamp into a socket and flip a switch. Will we need all of this light that we bought while we are out on the land? Our friend Josh, who lived without electrical power while he helped build his mom's house in Kona, once advised us that he didn't think we would need most of the stuff we think we need while we lived out on the land. He said that when he was living without electrical power, his body adjusted to the natural rhythms of the environment. When it got dark, he went to sleep. When the sun rose he got out of bed. It seems like a healthier lifestyle.

I'm looking forward to moving away from many of the modern conveniences that I have gotten used to. It will be pleasant to get in touch with the natural rhythms of my body. I bought a tool today called a weed whip. It's a double edged blade attached to a three foot long wooden handle. It kind of looks like a golf club with a long rectangular head. I'm planning on using it to cut the grass around the cabin to make sure the driving paths and the walking paths are clear. So I'll walk around our living area with the weed whip and take whacks at the tall grass. The guy at the hardware store looked at me like I was crazy and tried to lead me to the motorized weed whackers when I asked him questions about the weed whip. There are so many advantages to using the weed whip. I won't be burning any fossil fuels. I'll get a workout every time the grass needs to be trimmed. The weed whip was $18 versus a few hundred for a weed whacker. The weed whip has no mechanical moving parts that may need repairs. And best of all, will be the quiet I'll experience while cutting the grass. I have this beautiful sense of hearing only the weed whip swish through the air as the chore gets done. It'll be so much more calming on my nerves than blazing through the job with a motorized weed whacker, moving at a pace that doesn't give me the time to enjoy the process.

We still have a few more things to shop for in order for us to be ready for the land. Kim and I had been trying, with no success, to find some kind of teak cleaner to get rid of the mold on Lois' table. At Home Depot one of the clerks took us through this whole process of using a chemical cleaner on the table, then sanding the table down, and finally putting a polyurethane finish. It all seemed overwhelming. We were nervous about doing such a major operation on this table, because it is so important to us. When Lois gave us the table, she had visions of us growing as a family around the table and so do we.

Lois was the epitome of simplifying one's life. I remember she had this amazing practice of not allowing anything new in her house until she got rid of something old from the house. So sometimes she would have something new she bought sit in her car for weeks before she found something old in her house to get rid of. Lois has had such a profound impact on our lives. We just love her and miss her so deeply. She was such a calm soul who always made Kim and I feel so safe. To Bodhi she will always be Grandma Lois.

The Home Depot clerk's advice seemed too drastic to us. We followed our intuition and put all the products she handed to us back on the shelves. As I put back the can of polyurethane, a big, burly guy with a really thick goatee leans into me and asks in a whisper, "You know anything about this stuff?" He pointed to a whole array of cans on the shelf. I whispered back to him, "No, but the clerk could give you a good run down on the stuff." Why did we whisper to each other? It's as if we didn't want to jeopardize our manliness by not knowing about something in a hardware store. Why do we complicate life that way? It was pretty funny.

Kim later spoke to a teak dealer here in Hilo and he gave us a much simpler process for cleaning the teak. We will follow his advice. From the ether Lois is probably looking at us and laughing and thinking that the table is just impermanent stuff. She'd be right. It is just stuff, but we love it.

We will nurture the table the way Lois has nutured us.

Clarity

The weather has been absolutely beautiful these past few days in the rainiest city in America. It's as if it has been mirroring how I have been feeling inside; clear, vibrant and refreshed.

Two weeks ago, as I cried, had headaches and blew my nose for several days, I had the opportunity to search within myself for clarity. What was I holding on to? What was I trying to control? What did I need to surrender? What did I want? I was holding on to O‘ahu. I was trying to control how I experienced my friendships with my dear friends that I had left behind. I needed to surrender to the fact that moving creates change. I realized I wanted to fully embrace the Big Island and to allow my friendships to evolve along with my new direction.

I let go. I surrendered the sadness of missing my friends and replaced it with feelings of love for them and feelings of connection to them. I became clear that I needed to vibe a positive desire for time with friends and the universe responded.

How wonderful it has been. Time spent with friends from Hilo, time spent on some great phone calls, time spent with Andrea. I am filled. I am grateful.

The rain will be back--in Hilo that is guaranteed. And as I watch it fall, I will breathe in and know that all is well.

Many Blessings

I love watching my son sleep.

We just got Bodhi down for the night and the house is quiet. It was a lively weekend for us here in Hilo. We had our dear friend Andrea and her son Miles visiting from O‘ahu. Miles and Bodhi are like brothers. They deeply love each other, but they also very much get in each other's face. On one hand, they fight over toys, clothing items, shoes, who gets to sit where, water bottles, you name it, they'll fight over it. But on the other hand, when they are sweet to each other it'll make a cavity in the hardest tooth enamel. This weekend, for the boys, there were countless hugs, dancing on the Bay Front, jumping on the bed, running, swimming, playing and laughter,laughter, laughter. Miles even had Bodhi's back when they went to feed the ducks and he warned him that, "The ducks might bite. Be careful, OK?"

It was really great to experience our new home through their eyes. Andrea loved Bodhi's school and was thrilled with the swimming pool in Pähoa. Miles had a look of wonderment on his face seeing all the cows and horses dotting the landscape as we drove to the cabin. He seemed so at home on the land, stomping around in the grass with his blue rubber boots. It was calming and peaceful to see Andrea lying on our sofa on the open lanai of the cabin enjoying the quiet and looking out at the ‘öhi‘a forest. It was a blast to watch the boys take in the Saturday festivities on the Bay Front, checking out the chameleon in the window and the chickens on the sidewalk, dancing to the music of the sidewalk performer and running through the marine life exhibit. It was fun to hear Andrea raving about all the abundance at the Hilo Farmer's Market. It was refreshing to see mother and son in the cooling waters at Onekahakaha Beach. It was great to hear how much she enjoyed the restaurants we ate at and the beauty of the zoo we visited. Their experiences helped Kim and I appreciate what we have here more than we already did. And it helps us to truly feel content that we made the right decision to move here.

It was also wonderful to see Kim get refreshed and rejuvenated from spending time with one of her dearest friends.

What a great chance meeting we had a few years ago at Nu‘uanu Park. I was pushing Bodhi on the swings and next to us was Andrea pushing Miles. I being far, far less sociable than Kim, was just minding my own business when she struck up a conversation with me. I think I exchanged a few niceties and was getting ready to get Bodhi interested in something else. Lucky for us, Kim came along and picked up the conversation. Kim and Andrea immediately hit it off. From there they've had play dates with the boys, baby swaps, dinners together, and just loads and loads of fun. Bonding between people happens quickly when there is an intense shared experience. Raising two toddlers together has definitely been that kind of experience. I know Kim deeply loves Andrea and I do too. I think she is one of the most generous and authentic persons I know. We attract people into our lives based on what our consciousness is sending out. We must be doing something right to have brought someone like Andrea into our realm of experience.

The house is quiet. There is just so much to appreciate.

Setu Bandha Sarvangasana--The Bridge Pose

Kim and I used to be pretty dedicated yoga practitioners before Bodhi was born. We would go to a formal class at least once a week and do some yoga practice daily. We loved going down to Kaimana Beach at sunset and practice asanas, yoga poses, with a class that our Naturopaths ran. I really liked the way the breezes would blow down from Mänoa Valley and rustle the coconut palms overhead as we lay in the corpse pose at the end of the yoga practice. That was, perhaps, one of my favorite poses. For me it was easy, just lie on my back with my eyes closed.

It seems recently most of the poses we practice deal with things like forward bends. We have the pick up Bodhi's toys-asana, lift me up over your head daddy so I can feel like I'm flying-asana, can you crouch under the sofa and find my train-asana, and let me ride you like a horse-asana. There's a lot of back bending going on with us these days too. One of the harder poses for me was the bridge pose. I wasn't quite flexible enough to do it well. It starts with lying on your back and arching your pelvis upwards to the sky. I mentioned to Kim recently, that we sure do bend over backwards for Bodhi. No regrets from me. Sometimes I look at my sweetie boy's face and know that I would drag my naked ass for miles across shards of glass for him.

Luckily for me, today I only had to drive for miles. Kim had been looking for a Thomas Train Set on Craigslist for months. A couple nights ago, she finally found one and it was a great deal. The person selling the set lives in Kona and we are on the Hilo side. It's about a two hour drive one way. The seller said he'd be willing to meet us in Waimea which is about an hour from Hilo and an hour an a half from Bodhi's school. Now, these driving distances may seem small to mainlanders, but for Hawaii people it's like going to the moon.

Kim and I decided to make a day of it. We dropped Bodhi off at school and headed out to Waimea. We took Saddle Road, which is the road that sits in between the mountains, Mauna Kea and Mauna Loa. The drive was absolutely beautiful. The sky was so clear, we could see the top of Mauna Kea to our right and to our left was Mauna Loa. The landscape on the drive goes from deep, rich, lush, tropical rain forest, to an open plain of desert land, to green, rolling, hilly, pasture land, dotted with cattle and horses. The stereo played songs we could sing to as we whipped around the winding road. It was fun.

We got into Waimea with enough time to walk around a bit before we needed to meet the seller. When we got out of the car we were greeted by the wonderful chilly air Waimea's higher altitude offers. As it happens, the seller was there early too and so we got the deal done earlier. It was easy to recognize the guy. He gave Kim a description of himself over the phone that went something like this, "I look like Mr. Clean with glasses, a black tank top, and tattoos on my shoulders." I felt very cool and a little deviant passing cash to this guy at his car with his trunk popped open in broad daylight.

After loading the train set into our car, Kim and I got to walk around the town. We stopped in a few shops and got to browse around an antique store. We topped our time off there with a tremendously great lunch at Huli Sue's. WOW! If any of you are ever in Waimea, Huli Sue's is a must stop. The food was so good, Kim and I couldn't stop moaning and laughing with pleasure.

Over lunch we had a discussion about how much we bend over backwards for Bodhi. And I have to admit there is still a part of me that poses that old WIIFM question, what's in it for me? Kim is really good at gently straightening me out. She acknowledged that we do a lot for Bodhi, but she asked me to look at how much richer our lives are because of him. On the surface level alone, we had this fabulous day in Waimea because we were running an errand for him. The majority of our closest friends are the result of child related activities. And going a little deeper, he really, really, makes us look at ourselves. He truly is our little Bodhisattva.

So yes, we do bend over backwards for him. From a yoga perspective the back bends are actually really good at calming one's nervous system. And according BKS Iyengar, back bends give energy, courage, and combat depression. I can really see how stretching myself to serve another really does boost my energy, gives me heart and makes me less self absorbed. What a good payoff.

Resilience

Kim is outside checking for slugs.

It's become this nightly routine of going out to Karen's garden with a flashlight and the container of salt to see if the buggers are eating the vegetables. Kim has the very compassionate practice of apologizing profusely to the slugs as she sprinkles salt on them. I on the other hand, have forgotten some of my Vipassana Meditation principles, which tell me that all creatures should be happy, and take some gleeful pleasure in seeing the fat blobs writhe as I rain down terror on them.

What a shift from a little over a year ago, returning from a 10 day silent meditation retreat and not wanting to hurt a fly. Hungry mosquitoes could come by and have a full feast on me and I would just observe the itchiness without judgement, lucky cock roaches would get swept out of the house hockey puck style rather than get smashed by rolled up magazines. I'm not quite sure when the shift happened, but now the critters get it.

One ironic moment was when a cock roach scurried across our living room in Honolulu and freaked Kim and I out to no end. I have no sense of dignity when it comes to these huge B-52 roaches. I squeal and run as they aggressively charge back at me while I'm chasing them. Well this one time, the only thing available to me to fight back was an issue of Shambala Sun Buddhist Magazine. So I quickly grabbed it, rolled it up, and went after this roach. I throw down a couple of hard slams and the roach gets splayed out on the floor. I unroll the magazine to see a picture of the Dalai Lama's face smeared with cock roach guts. The man is the spiritual leader of Tibet and the embodiment of love and compassion. It may have been disrespectful, but I laughed and laughed and laughed at the irony of it all.

The roach, however, may have had the last laugh. In a last ditch effort that was probably some instinctual, involuntary muscle spasm, it squirted out an egg. Amidst all that chaos, its last act was an attempt to perpetuate its species. What a lesson on resilience. Life goes on.

The reason we've been on slug patrol is because Karen went off to Kona for about 3 weeks to teach some Huna Classes. She charged us with the responsibility of guarding the vegetables. I was torn the other day when Bodhi wanted to help me with slug eradication. We found some and he poured salt on them. At three, I don't think he fully understood the weight of what he was doing. I think he just liked seeing the slug twist and turn as pretty white crystals sprinkled gently on it's smooth body.

Kim and I have been very lucky the past couple of weeks here in Hilo, to have Karen here for us holding our hands as we transition to this new life. We've also gotten a tremendous amount of hand holding from Jim as he's taken us through the process of getting the cabin up and running so that we can move onto the land. Jim is leaving for Oregon on Thursday and will be gone for about three months. So two of our most solid anchors will be away while we make those final steps to living on the land. It kind of feels like when our midwife and doula left right after Bodhi was born and Kim and I looked at each other and asked, "What do we do now?"

We'll hold each other's hand, walk on over to edge, smile at each other, and take that next leap knowing that life supports us and there are profound lessons for us everywhere.

The Balancing Act

My idea of breaking a sweat used to be a run around Kapiolani Park or 30 minutes on the eliptical machine at the gym. After about 15 minutes of aerobic activity, little beads of perspiration would form on my forehead and after a few more minutes of effort I'd break a good full sweat which was easily wicked away by whatever sports jersey I was wearing. If it was a Kapiolani Park run, I would usually jump in the water at Kaimana Beach and swim to the wind sock. If it was a gym workout, I would just jump in the shower to wash away the sweat.

I am an O blood type. According to my Naturopath, type O blood is the original blood type. It's the hunter/gatherer blood type. As such, like my hunter/gatherer predecessors, my body functions best when I can give it intense physical activities. Basically, I need to sweat. Now, I'm not saying I'm a huge exercise freak. On the contrary, when my Naturopath told me this info, I asked her if I could just sit in a sauna instead. Her answer of course was, "no."

These days my sweat producing activities are a little different. Instead of going to the gym, I find myself walking around the open area of the cabin looking for big rocks in the grass that may get caught in the mower blade of the tractor. Instead of swimming a few laps, I'm swinging a hammer or pulling on a buck saw. I like that my exercise is now part of my daily activities. I like that I can't find where I packed my sweat wicking running clothes, so after a few minutes of work my t-shirts are soaked and sticking to my body. I like that I probably smell slightly off when I pick up Bodhi from preschool. There is something gritty and real about breaking this kind of sweat. As an educator for the past 15 years, the most I sweated in my daily activity was probably a slight nervous perspiration at the beginning of a class I hadn't prepared for.

Sometimes, when I am on the land working, I think about my hunter/gatherer predecessors running around with clubs and spears chasing down a woolly mammoth or some other large creature, and I somehow feel connected. I've spent a lot of years of my adult life learning the importance of being sensitive and being in touch with my feminine side. What I'm realizing recently, is that it's also incredibly important for me, for balance, to beat my chest and go, "Unga! Unga!" It's fun to pound on things and to chop things. It's fun to pick up large rocks and throw them out of my way. It's fun to sweat profusely and possibly smell to high heaven. It's fun, to just get my man "on."

"Unga! Unga!"

A little more rain

Yesterday, was Thursday, momma and baby hui day. Bodhi and I have been spending time with a wonderful group of mom's and babes for over two years now. We meet at parks, the zoo, the beach and occasionally a museum. We have watched our kids grow from barely walking to can't stop running. We have laughed, cried, celebrated and supported one another. Hui day was an integral part of my weekly routine, a time where Bodhi enjoyed his friends and I enjoyed mine.

Yesterday, hui met at Kaimana beach, our favorite beach on O'ahu. The weather was good, the kids didn't stray too far and the mommas had a nice time with each other. Bodhi and I were there in spirit, but as I lay crying on Karen's floor, I realized, in spirit just doesn't feel the same.

Tomorrow is Miles' birthday party and we won't be there. He is Bodhi's best friend, brother really, and my second son. I miss him and his mom--Andrea, terribly. Andrea has been very busy this past week with visitors and party planning and so we have barely talked. I am used to talking, if not seeing her, several times a week. And so as I sat with Andrew this evening, unable to reach Andrea on the phone, I began to cry. Afterwards, the stuffy nose that I've had started to clear up.

A wise woman recently told me, "Kim, Bodhi will be just fine--this move is going to be much harder on you than him." Just like childbirth and parenting, you have no real idea what it means until you're in it!

Big Island Weather Report

Weather patterns change so rapidly here on the east side of Hawai‘i Island.

This morning as I drove up to the land, after dropping Bodhi off at school, the sky was a glorious blue. As I turned off Highway 11 onto the winding North Ala heading up to our place, Mauna Kea opened up before me. Often the top of Mauna Kea is hidden behind clouds, but this morning, the sky was so clear, I could see the obervatories dotting the crown of the majestic mountain. After only about an hour of working on the land, it started pouring on me for about an hour and then the sky went blue again for an hour and then it poured again.

Jim and I built the small little structure that will sit on the roof of the cabin and hold our small water tank in place. It'll be a basic water catchement system with a gravity feed. I'm excited. Jim has been so patient and thorough with me in explaining the building process. He told me a story today about when he was younger and worked on a building site in Alabama. He said that the boss at this work site was often mean and whatever he said was the law. So the boss would call out for something like, "Get me a 2x4!" Jim would look and look around the site for the 2x4 and have to cower back to the boss and let him know they were out of 2x4s. The boss would look crossly at Jim and command, "Well you better eat some saw dust and shit me out a 2x4 then!" I'm glad that when we run out of building material, I just have to go to Home Depot.

Kim stayed at home in Hilo today because she wasn't feeling well. She had a slight sore throat, a small fever, and a little sinus congestion. It was really good that she got to stay home and rest and recuperate. We thought that because it's been quite a ride the last few weeks of moving, saying goodbyes and settling in here on the Big Island, that her immune system was a little compromised. But of course we know that things often go deeper than that. When I got home with Bodhi this afternoon, Kim was still not feeling all that great so I went to Abundant Life to get her a Neti pot so she could flush out her sinuses. When I got back from that errand, her head was pounding. She laid down so that I could massage her head and neck. As I began to work on her, tears began to build around her eyes and flow down the sides of her cheeks. Bodhi was there and he saw his mommy begin to cry and sweetly got a tissue and dabbed the tears away, and began to tell Kim what we always tell him when he gets in a crying state, "Breath, breath, breath." Kim followed his advice and began to consciously follow her breath and more tears flowed. It's like we always say, "Better out than in." It was good to see Kim release whatever was in there. After a few minutes of this Kim came to the realization that she truly, deeply, and wholeheartedly missed her friends on O‘ahu. She had been holding that in and it needed to come out. The headache went away.

We've been experiencing so much tremendous joy here on the Big Island, but sometimes the clouds loom on the horizon and a heavy rain is needed to cleanse the land and make things green.

Weather report for the Big Island--Sunny skies with scattered showers here and there.

For Miles--Bodhi's Best Friend

The Ride

"Daddy let me teach you. . ."

This has been one of Bodhi's favorite phrases lately. The last couple of days, he's been coming home from school and teaching Kim and I some new song he learned in class or some new hand game his teacher showed him or some new expression from one of his classmates. Kim was telling me how delighted she was to be surprised by all of this new stuff Bodhi has been bringing home from school. But she and I were feeling a little strange about it as well. For the last three years Kim or I either taught Bodhi something new or was present when he learned it. Now, others are socializing our little man. Wow, what a thing to experience. It's often put out there that your child is a piece of clay that you shape into a person. Now we have others putting their finger prints on our "masterpiece". Both Kim and I have gotten to really like and trust his teachers and we really appreciate the Waldorf environment. It's all very good. We just have to get used to hearing him sing songs we've never heard before and saying little things and wondering where he got that one from.

I remember the first time I felt that deep love for Bodhi. It wasn't on the day he was born. I was too exhausted. I remember Kim making that final push, our midwife holding Bodhi and I looking down to see that he was a boy and the only thought that I could muster at the moment was,"huh." After the midwife and the doula left our house, all I could think about was, "Now what are we supposed to do?" So no, the deep love wasn't on day one. It wasn't even in month one. I was too stressed out about whether or not we were doing the right thing with his eating, his sleeping, his waking, his very existence. It wasn't until the following April. The three of us were here on the Big Island. Kim and I were asked to officiate at a friend's wedding. So we flew in from Honolulu for the weekend and did the wedding. Our friends put us up in beautiful accommodations in Volcano. The morning after the wedding, Bodhi is tied on to me in his mei tai carrier and I'm swaying him back and forth to get him to sleep a little longer. Behind us a fire is crackling in the fire place. And in the background--now this is going to seem corny and sentimental--Kenny Loggin's "For the First Time" is playing. Now just a little background on me, and you can confirm this with Kim. I am, perhaps, one of the least sentimental persons I know. But at that moment with the fire place, the music, and my child tied to me, my heart was just gushing and gushing love, love, love, love, love, love, love.

I want to be clear here. It hasn't, of course, been all peaches and cream. There are times when I want to squeeze Bodhi's head like a zit. A few weeks ago, just before we moved to the Big Island, we were having dinner outside of Whole Foods at Kahala Mall with a group friends. There was about seven or eight of Bodhi's friends running around and playing together. One of them decided to run far away and the other's decided to follow. Some of the parents began chasing after the kids to bring them back. One of the dads sitting next to me jokingly said, "Ah it's a safe mall. If someone kidnapped my daughter they can have her. I dare them to take care of her." And it is, it truly is this daring thing we are doing as parents. We jump on this roller coaster ride of up and down emotions, not really knowing what's around the next bend. We hand them off to others to teach them and trust that they will come out ok on the other end. Perhaps all we can do on this ride is to let go of the handle bars, feel the wind blowing in our hair, and scream out at the top of our lungs all the excitement, fear, joy and love we have.

And of course know that it's all good.