Kinderhale

Raw and grated.

That's how I felt after dropping Bodhi off for his first day of preschool. Everything was running very smooothly this morning. Bodhi got up feeling cheery and ready to go to school. He had a good breakfast, got dressed right away, brushed his teeth and we were on the road by 7:15. It was our first time driving in Hilo morning traffic so we were not used to some of the new traffic patterns. Despite some slow downs here and there, we pulled into the Waldorf School's parking lot at 8:00am, right on time for school.

Bodhi seemed excited about school. He posed for some pictures in front of the school sign and walked straight to his classroom. Kim and I had been prepping him for the last few days and letting him know that he would be going to school without mommy and daddy. He seemed to understand it at the time, but this morning when we were leaving, he lost it. It was horrendous. He started crying and clinging on to Kim. I could see it in Kim's face, she was doing everything she could to stay in control and hold back her own tears. I took him for a moment and he cried on me. His preschool teacher tried to interest him in a flower and some toys, he wouldn't have any of it. The only thing that would work was to pry him off and hand him to his teacher. We walked away and he was crying out,"I want a hug! I want a hug!" We turned around and gave him one last hug and a kiss. As we exited the gate we could hear him screaming in between sobs,"Bye mommy! Bye daddy." It tore up my heart. It made me question whether we were doing the right thing. A mom from another classroom saw Bodhi crying for us and she said Bodhi's crying was making her feel like crying too. Her son was in the older class. She saw Kim sobbing outside the gate and came over to hug and comfort Kim. Kim tried to comfort herself by saying it would get better, but the woman told Kim to never fully let that feeling go. Good advice.

Kim and I thought we would feel elated after dropping Bodhi off at school. We thought we would do a little dance around the car before driving off with the stereo blasting, enjoying our new found freedom. Believe me there have been many times I've thought my toddler was the biggest a-hole around. But now, I was feeling like the big a-hole. Were we doing the right thing? How could we leave this sweet little boy with total strangers? He didn't have his friends there with him and he was only vaguely familiar with the school. So instead of doing our celebratory dance, we sat in the car staring out the window at the gate to his preschool. Silent tears running down my face and Kim sobbing out loud. We saw another mom standing inside the gate and Kim asked me to ask her if Bodhi had calmed down. I went over to talk to this mom and sure enough after we left Bodhi had settled down.

Feeling like we were just put through the ringer, we decided not to head straight up to the land. Instead we went to Pahoa to have some breakfast and walk around for a bit. It was nice having a leisurely breakfast with Kim and then checking out some the shops around town, but always in the back of our minds the little scene of Bodhi crying out,"Bye mommy! Bye Daddy!" played over and over. We finally got to the land and got some work done and then headed back to school to pick up Bodhi. And guess what--he was perfectly fine. He was hanging out in the classroom playing with some toys and absolutely excited to let us know all that happened in class. According to his teacher, he didn't eat much lunch and he didn't nap during quiet time, but he was great otherwise. He even made shi shi on his own.

At home, Karen baked him a special chocolate cake that we ate after dinner to celebrate his first day of preschool. "Happy preschool to you. Happy preschool to you. Happy preschool dear Bodhi. Happy preschool to you." He was pleased. Tomorrow is day two. I hold good thoughts that it will go easily and effortlessly. And so it is.